things you should be aware of

me + m.j + jake = have the gayest, epic conversation EVERRR!

jake: mlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh marry me
me: K!
jake: :)
me: i dare you.
jake: i would be glad
me: ohhh reeeeally?
jake: no doubt
m.j: fuck, are you guys having an orgy or some lovey doevy crap like that?
me: way to break the mood dewd, i was about to score myself a cheap disposable husband
jake: totallyyy
current mood: sick
current music: seize the day - avenged sevenfold

soundwave was today and my sister sold my fucking ticket saying, "you either pick soundwave or nine inch nails.."
how the heck am i suppose to choose from that? srsly
choosing between a festival where tons of my favourite bands are playing with one of my all time favourite band, or going to there seprate concert where they're playing moar than they should at soundwave with speical guest.
this is hard but sadly i pick nine inch nail ftw, so nin, you better watch out for me cause i'm going to bring hell to the concert hall.

so right now, i'm eating food which taste like shitty cement at the moment because i'm hella sick from cuddling with jake(that fuckface made me sick, stupid bastard. i love him tho) and he pretty much drew me million of pictures of things which made me cheese like crazy. he was really sick tho, coughing everywhere and at me... yuck! i can actually still feel the gems on me now but i somewhat love it in a way its impossible to explain. i feel weak and i don't wanna go to school tomorrow, wahwahwah wah wah wah wahhh
i love how legit gay we are, and how we mispell everything. you would so love to meet us but sadly, we hate people :)

i'm afraid to sleep because im afraid to dream. night is more frightening than day, because at night, as soon as i fall asleep, i'm alone. during the day, i talk. at night, in my dreams, no one answers. i'm always alone and i'm afraid. while i'm falling asleep, i already know what i will dream. i'm afraid.

i wish i was a vampire, really.
NO EDWARD CULLEN MOMENT WHATSOEVER LULZ
current mood: sick
current music: king of the world - porcelain and the tramp

'To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. If you dream that you are giving or donating blood, then it suggests that you are feeling physically drained due to stress. To dream that others are bleeding, signifies an emotional cry for help. To see blood on your hands, signifies that you are experiencing some sort of guilt.'

i hate dreams
current mood: exhausted
current music: what i always wanted - kitte

lol'd

11th weds feb 2009<3

sitting at home listening to music with no one at all, and somehow I realize how lonely and depressed I have been over the pass few years.
idk but the thought just occurred to me just a few minutes ago and I cried. I cried because I knew I wasted my life doing the things I never really thought were a waste of time till now. I stopped doing the thing I loved and started doing things that I hate. I was never really happy but what really makes me happy? that question has been bothering me since day one.
I want to do all the things I love and deep inside, I know my dreams will never come true... I know that I will never do this and that and I know I have low self-esteen issue, yet I keep putting myself down moar and moar and I fucking hate it.
I look at myself in the mirror and I notice i may look happy on the outside but in the inside, i’m torn apart. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I HATE REALITY!!!!

I called my parents up at work a few minutes ago while I was typing this and I don’t know what came over me but I felt like I needed them and it scared me with how much I missed them.
when I was young, I never really got a lot of attention from my parents cause they were always too busy with work to look after me. they even hired nannies to look after me and I think this might be the reason why? idk but during the conversation, my mum sounded a bit concern and I was glad. she could tell when i’m sad but I couldn’t really tell her. I sound stupid already pouring my thought to my blogspot so whatever. I asked her if I could talk to my sisters which she kindly gave it to and this is how the conversation went:
sister: hello?
me: hey, how are you?
sister: ...are you okay..?
me: yeah i’m good, just bored y’know. what are we eating tonight?
sister: pizza
me: sweeeeeet, where’s *****?
sister: at a shop getting mum things
me: when are you guys getting home?
sister: soon
me: okay
sister: *hangs up*

it saddens me dearly to know that I never had a really good relationship with my sisters. I wish I did now overlooking the conversation we had and now my daily routine is sleeping while my family have dinner and i’m sick of myself. here I am crying and pouring my thoughts and I know no-one will care because who would? i’m just a person having teenage problems and I’ll get over it either way, its not the end of the world. my doctor was right, I do have depression and need a fucking therapist... anti-depression might work aswell but I need a parent guardian and shit like that so i’m totally fucked over. at the moment, the best cure for this situation is music for me, but these days the magic isn’t working as much. maybe I should go see some live band concert? idk but I really want to see NIN. I can’t explain how fucking amazing NIN is because trent reznor is a pure genies. I always wondered how he create such music and I would love to see him do it with my own eyes. what inspire the man to do what he does and how great is it with him to work with jordy white? eeeeeepp, I lub that man to bits! both of themmm

I called m.jay and she knew something was wrong straight away and this is why I love her. she always know when something is wrong, even on the phone she knews. during the phone conversation, she listened to me pour my thoughts and cheered me up without hesitation. she always know how to make me happy and idk how to explain how much I love her/she means to me. I know I wrote a blog about her but I just can’t stop loving her! she’s my true bffl and I can always trust her with my life I shit you not. once we get out of school, we promise each other we will move in together and travel to america/japan and forever live there(hopefully). i’m actually abit happy with myself that I achieve the greatest friend a girl could ever have. even when we see each other is great. when we have problems, it never make up time for us. were always too busy having fun to even care and our phone calls can never be beaten. we even stay up for each other and when one needs the other the most, you can bet were always there for each others back.
wise words from m.j, “if I wasn’t considered a lesbian for saying this, I would so fucking marry you” hahhaahahahily
current mood: depressed
current music: the year summer ended in june - misery signals

<3

just a few minutes ago, i passed out on the bed within seconds from going home(reason were i haven't slept for two days straight) and when i regain consciousness, my sister is in the room checking my pulse saying:

'are you still alive?'
'no'

why am i always somewhat sick @ the worst times and still have to go to school?
and why does the worst things happen to me?
goodbye good math grades and hello bad math grades.
current mood: exhausted
current music: weight of the world - patrick watson