sitting at home listening to music with no one at all, and somehow I realize how lonely and depressed I have been over the pass few years.
idk but the thought just occurred to me just a few minutes ago and I cried. I cried because I knew I wasted my life doing the things I never really thought were a waste of time till now. I stopped doing the thing I loved and started doing things that I hate. I was never really happy but what really makes me happy? that question has been bothering me since day one.
I want to do all the things I love and deep inside, I know my dreams will never come true... I know that I will never do this and that and I know I have low self-esteen issue, yet I keep putting myself down moar and moar and I fucking hate it.
I look at myself in the mirror and I notice i may look happy on the outside but in the inside, i’m torn apart. I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I HATE REALITY!!!!

I called my parents up at work a few minutes ago while I was typing this and I don’t know what came over me but I felt like I needed them and it scared me with how much I missed them.
when I was young, I never really got a lot of attention from my parents cause they were always too busy with work to look after me. they even hired nannies to look after me and I think this might be the reason why? idk but during the conversation, my mum sounded a bit concern and I was glad. she could tell when i’m sad but I couldn’t really tell her. I sound stupid already pouring my thought to my blogspot so whatever. I asked her if I could talk to my sisters which she kindly gave it to and this is how the conversation went:
sister: hello?
me: hey, how are you?
sister: ...are you okay..?
me: yeah i’m good, just bored y’know. what are we eating tonight?
sister: pizza
me: sweeeeeet, where’s *****?
sister: at a shop getting mum things
me: when are you guys getting home?
sister: soon
me: okay
sister: *hangs up*

it saddens me dearly to know that I never had a really good relationship with my sisters. I wish I did now overlooking the conversation we had and now my daily routine is sleeping while my family have dinner and i’m sick of myself. here I am crying and pouring my thoughts and I know no-one will care because who would? i’m just a person having teenage problems and I’ll get over it either way, its not the end of the world. my doctor was right, I do have depression and need a fucking therapist... anti-depression might work aswell but I need a parent guardian and shit like that so i’m totally fucked over. at the moment, the best cure for this situation is music for me, but these days the magic isn’t working as much. maybe I should go see some live band concert? idk but I really want to see NIN. I can’t explain how fucking amazing NIN is because trent reznor is a pure genies. I always wondered how he create such music and I would love to see him do it with my own eyes. what inspire the man to do what he does and how great is it with him to work with jordy white? eeeeeepp, I lub that man to bits! both of themmm

I called m.jay and she knew something was wrong straight away and this is why I love her. she always know when something is wrong, even on the phone she knews. during the phone conversation, she listened to me pour my thoughts and cheered me up without hesitation. she always know how to make me happy and idk how to explain how much I love her/she means to me. I know I wrote a blog about her but I just can’t stop loving her! she’s my true bffl and I can always trust her with my life I shit you not. once we get out of school, we promise each other we will move in together and travel to america/japan and forever live there(hopefully). i’m actually abit happy with myself that I achieve the greatest friend a girl could ever have. even when we see each other is great. when we have problems, it never make up time for us. were always too busy having fun to even care and our phone calls can never be beaten. we even stay up for each other and when one needs the other the most, you can bet were always there for each others back.
wise words from m.j, “if I wasn’t considered a lesbian for saying this, I would so fucking marry you” hahhaahahahily
current mood: depressed
current music: the year summer ended in june - misery signals